A letter to my children.

I hope one day when you are old enough to understand, you know I did my best.

In all aspects of your life I try to be the best Mum that I can be.

Sometimes it has been hard to find the time between you, your dad, and housework, cooking dinners, seeing friends and just trying to be me. 

I know that there is no me without you.  There is no home, no love, no life.  You make all these things come together and I will thank God each day that I wake for the joy that you have bought into my life.  

You were fated for me.  You made me a mother.

You created a love within me that I never knew existed.  The power of this love I will never be able to explain, until the day you experience it for yourself.  It is a mesmerising whirlwind of emotion, of worry, confusion and frustration.

I just want you to remember that I always tried my best. 

Like an onion has layers, I feel that there is only so much one person can take.  Each layer is another thing on my shoulders and some days I am too tired to carry the load.  But I want you to know I always tried.

I am sorry that somedays I don't play with you, read you stories or take you into the garden because I am too busy cleaning or cooking or I am too exhausted to be that 'Mum' figure that we all strive to be.  The one that cooks you healthy dinners that you actually eat, that doesn't have last nights dishes in the sink and a made bed with ten precisely placed pillows.  I am sorry I can't always afford the best brand of clothes for you to wear, and I am sorry I can't always buy you the things you want when we are out. 

But I will tell you one thing that I always want you to remember.  After all is said and done and night time has come.  After I have battled endlessly with you about going to sleep and have taken you back to your room a hundred times. 

Every night before I go to sleep I think of you.  I think of everything I have done and what I have given you.  A home, a warm bed, clothes on your back and food in your tummy, regardless whether it is fish fingers or Weetbix because I know you hate vegetables. 

Every night I watch you as you sleep.  I stroke the outline of your face as that is all that I can see from the moonlight that creeps in through the crack in your blinds.  I hold your hand and wrap my fingers around yours.  I place my hand on your chest just to feel it rise and fall with each breath.  I breathe your scent deep into my lungs and make a silent vow never to let any harm come to you.

I would die before that.

I kiss your head before I leave and think to myself, if I never accomplish anything more in life than this then I have already fulfilled my destiny.

If I am nothing to anyone else I am the world to you.  I pray that my dreams live on in you and you become everything in this world that you hope to be.  I am so incredibly lucky to be your Mum and I know you forgive me for the days when I am only a mediocre one.

I love you.  I will love you until my last breath in this world, and I will continue to love you far into the next. 

Your Mummy xx

How Things Have Changed.

This weekend I am going clubbing. 

The last time I went clubbing was for a friend's Hen's night before I was pregnant with my now 5-month-old daughter.  Even before that I can't really remember going out much.  Being a Mum and all I basically live in my pyjamas.  That's a lie.  I do live in my pyjamas.  

I am one of those people who legitimately only puts normal clothes on if I have to leave the car.  That's right!  I wear my PJ's every single time I pick Damien up from the airport.  I used to set my alarm and wake up early, put make-up on and do my hair so I looked all fresh as fuck waiting in arrivals.  But the truth is now he is lucky if I pick him up and I have brushed my teeth.  This is just something that he has to live with now that he has seen me push a child out of my vagina.

So anyways, back to this weekend.  Is clubbing even a thing anymore?  I don't know how old the limit is because I am pretty sure its all bump 'n' grind when you are 18 and then you get to 24+ and you just want the kebab at the end of the night.  Everyone is an arrogant asshole and most girls have their vulvas hanging out.  I know this because I used to be one of them.

To top it off there is always that person walking around with a camera and they either don't want to take your picture because they think you are old as fuck or they unwillingly take it and you end up on the internet looking like Shrek.  This always happens to me.  My big boobs and the fact that the shape of my body is similar to that of a baby seal don't make for flattering pictures.

It will be my first night leaving baby Lilah who picks and chooses whether to take the bottle because she loves boobies.  I am nervous because I have never left her for more than a few hours and what if she cries for me?  I feel as though this is something I need to do, for my own sanity. When you are a full time mother these are the things we find an escape in, because I honestly don't think we can completely divulge in the freedom if our kids are in the same vicinity.  I haven't even pee'd alone in 3 years,  so even that boundary is pushed when you are a Mama.  But the same goes for men.  They do need their own time too.  To unwind and de stress or whatever they do.  Who knows?  Regardless whether you have children or not, time to yourself or with friends is a must.  It is important in a relationship, just as much as making time for you partner.

I am looking in my wardrobe for something to wear and thinking that this is a disaster.  i don't even know if what I own is even in fashion anymore.  Sometimes I see some of the outfits on Instagram and think what the fuck is that?  Or most of it you have to be a supermodel to pull off or go braless and I can't be dealing with the anxiety of the girls falling out or walking around with milk patches. 

I think that I am going to have to go for the classic all black outfit and most likely trousers to cover up the fact that I only shave my legs in summer.  Oh and something to cover my maternity bra.  I will slap on some tan and throw back a few wines for some dutch courage and I should be ok right?  If I am not home before midnight it means success, which lets face it might not be a possibility as I am yawning now and it's 8pm.  But then again I am pretty keen for that kebab so who knows the extremes I will go too.

i honestly don't know how I used to do it back in the day; girls are so intimidating these days.  You can instantly be made to feel like shit from just glancing over at one person whom you think is more attractive than you. 'And none for Gretchen Weiners'

Once I was in a club and my face literally got used as a handrail for a tall, pretty girl who tripped down a step and used my fucking face to get her balance.  It's okay love don't mind me or my now half ripped of eyelashes i ain't got glue for.  I can imagine my friends that were there with me reading this and losing it because we always laugh about it.

Most of us probably don't go out to meet someone,  but you do want to go out and feel attractive not like a tub of lard, and it is so competitive these days to be noticed by another human being if your boobs aren't hanging out.

I never really used to care when I was younger, I would be flamboyant and have so much fun without having to think of anyone else.  Partly because I was thinner and didn't have a receding hairline but hey.  I will give it a crack and try to hide the social anxiety that creeps in when stepping out of my comfort zone.

I will let you know what the night brings, if I vomit, and also if I survive the hangover because I am severely out of practice.

My life has changed so much since becoming a mother, it isn't all that glamourous but always so much fun.  I love it immensely but a night off here and there is allowed and I am not going to feel guilty about that.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.

Jodie xx

Oh How Things Have Changed!

Is Romance Dead? (a few years in)

Surely I can't be the only one who thinks this.  After 7 years of being in a serious relationship and having two kids literally nothing is sacred.  Living your life with someone, sharing a house and pretty much all experiences (even peeing with the door open) doesn’t leave much mystery in the connection you share with your partner.

After months of the same old cycle, last night I asked my sister to baby sit and my partner and I decided it was time for a date night, to spend some alone time together.  

I made a beautiful platter and bought some drinks, we headed to the beach to watch the sunset, talk and just relax, you know like those moments when you first date someone and you stay up talking until the sun rises and you're all cute and if he touches your hand your hairs stand on end.

Well my other half was asleep on the couch at 5pm with some shit show on TV that no one was even watching, so I said “come on time to go” we drove down to the beach where we found the sun had bloody set on my romantic idea and fucking hurricane sandy take 2 was happening.  So a no go for my cheese and crackers because lets face it that shit is way too valuable.  We then progressed to a picnic area where there was a huge sign which read “no alcohol to be consumed $200 fine occurs on the spot” so fuck that because lets be honest, ain’t nobody got time for that.

We proceeded to the closest pub where we were cautious whether we could get in being in thongs, you know because we thought we were going for a romantic beach date.  Anyhow we got inside ordered a bevvy and food and sat down to COMPLETE SILENCE.

Legitimately we had nothing to talk about.  What is there really to talk about to someone you spend your entire life with, and even the time you spend apart really isn’t that exciting.  For instance it's not like I can give him a run down on how the morning poo went as this was only part of my day he wasn’t involved in and probably the most exciting thing to happen to me so far today.

I know you are supposed to take time out for each other in a relationship, and that’s all good and well, but when that line is crossed and your lives seem to melt in to one, is there a point where nothing is sacred anymore and you have nothing to share.  Its sad but true how you do end up having a night off from the kids and responsibilities to end up scrolling through pictures of them while they are sleeping and saying “awww look at them’ then back to silence.

We decided to call it a night after we had eaten and proceeded for a night time walk on the beach where we both sat down and basically said “wow we really can't remember what we used to talk about before kids, and a mortgage”.

We got back to the car; we had been on our date exactly an hour.  I started the commute home and about 10 minutes into the journey looked over to the passenger seat to find my man asleep.  I glanced at the clock, which read 7.34pm.  What a wild night.

I walked in the door to be greeted by my 3 year old who grilled me about staying out after dark.

We got on the couch and snuggled and I smiled to myself and realised just exactly how much our life has changed.  How after the comfort zone has been entered, there really is no going back.  

If you are content with your life you just get on with it, we will try again to make time for us and we will always try.  That’s what keeps the flame from going out and that’s what keeps us sane.  But for the moment we are quite happy being parents to two little humans whom we made together and we feel blessed everyday and know one day our time for romance will come again.  Even if its not now.

Ps the platter is now in the fridge and is what I like to call tomorrow night’s dinner.

Much Love..

Jodie x

The Naked Truth.

Have you ever looked in the mirror, staring yourself down and scrutinizing every little piece of yourself.  Picking out all of the bad or negative things and taking a mental note of what you wish you could change? And would if you could?

We all know that in today’s society there is a ‘look’ that is projected as what is beautiful.  I am one of those people just like most women or girls that sit there scrolling through pictures of people with this so called beauty, judging myself and well basically making my self feel like a piece of shit. Which alternately makes me go to bed and hug my pillow while I rile in self hatred or think fuck it and go to the fridge and ram my mouth with chocolate or anything unhealthy I have.

See the thing is I don’t think beauty is a look; I think it is a feeling.  What makes you feel beautiful? What makes you feel confident?  Ultimately when you feel confident you do feel beautiful.

You know when you are told “you’re beautiful just as you are” or “you don’t need to change anything” I don’t think we should take that literally if there is something we want to do to make ourselves feel better about who we are.  And there is a healthy solution available to get us where we want to be. 

Lets just get one thing straight, we are who we are yes, but I don’t feel we have to accept what we look like if it doesn’t make us feel confident or happy or pretty or whatever you want to be.  And that is ok.

We all try to fix things about ourselves, whether that is by wearing make-up, waxing our brows, shaving our legs, and working out. Even to more permanent measures such as lip fillers, breast enlargements or Botox. Even when people get tattoos that others don’t agree with I think each to there own, as it is a personal choice we are entitled to make and doesn’t change who we are beneath the surface. I just want to be the one to say it is ok, even if no one else agrees with you.  Most people are so judgemental about what you want to do to your body or face.  But its not us trying to hide who we are its just us trying to make improvements so we feel self assured and not insecure. We can go out and flaunt it and that is what makes us feel beautiful because we are confident.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want readers to take this post that I am encouraging that we should be doing things to change our body because that’s what todays hype is all about, its just my opinion that we shouldn’t feel guilty or judged for doing what we wish.  It is my belief that there is also a line and we shouldn’t do things other than for our own benefits or ourselves. Some people might not agree but at the end of the day we are all individuals.

The major thing though that we do have to remind ourselves in conjunction with my previous statement is that there should be a point where you realise that we are all on our own journey.  We are all separate and different people to one another and that we have to remember that ‘one look’ isn’t classified as beautiful however much it is promoted to look that way.  Some of us are curvy, skinny, short, tall, have ginger hair, have a flat butt, and so many more different features that make us, us.  Some things we can't change no, but if you can make a change for the better and it is healthy for you to do so then do it, to even simply change by eating better and exercising that is an amazing step to better yourself not only physically but mentally too.  We do not realise the emotional toll it takes on some women to feel insignificant because they don’t look like a Kardashian.  I just always want you to remember beauty and confidence goes beneath the surface and if you are truly happy in yourself that light inside of you will radiate to everyone around you.

It makes me feel so sad that most women do not feel confident and feel insecure.  But like I said it is OK to want to change.  You don’t have to accept anything about yourself and you can do anything you want if you want it enough, as long as it is the right thing to do for you according to your circumstances, and there are always people out there to help you in your journey, whether that being family or friends or even seeing a professional, because like I said mental health is imperative. 

My story is I constantly try to cover myself up; we are the worst critics of ourselves. I have lots of thick stretch marks and huge boobs that make me look out of proportion, as I am only 5’1.  I cant wear jeans because of all the loose skin from my two pregnancies and my legs are far too short to find any that will fit me, such as a 6 fits me in the leg but I would say I easily need a 12 round my stomach.  Some of you might think this is a small price to pay, but to me it is a great deal and we all have our own dislikes that others may not get.

I always wear leggings and a baggy t-shirt or those knickers that go up to your tits but then make you look like you are 6 months pregnant anyways so they are an epic fail.  Especially on a night out when you want to look sexy but then you drink your body weight in wine and go to wee and find out you can't get the fuckers down or back up and have to call in your mate to help you shove all the jelly bits back in.  Yep that’s what I deal with, I have top-notch friends. 

People hardly ever look at my face because all they see is boobs, and wearing a plain old singlet makes me look like a slut so on goes the jacket even when the sun is beaming down.

I try to embrace who I am and my flaws, but not necessarily accepting them.  I will work towards a better me because that is OK.  I will wake up in the morning and do my make-up how I wish even if I am just going to the shops; it’s a confidence thing for most of us no because we are trying to nab ourselves a man while we are at the butchers. 

I will get botox on my wrinkled forehead when I have finished breastfeeding because it will make me happy and that is OK.

I will be getting a tummy tuck and breast reduction because I CAN. I know it’s not all about looks but taking drastic measures such as I am doing is sometimes the right thing if there is a medical reason (which I have) or if it will significantly improve your mental health.

I don’t regret anything I have done.

Do I regret having my amazing kids because they gave me stretch marks and still pee a little when I sneeze? The answer is no!

Can I do things to improve how I feel the answer is yes, and I don’t feel bad about it.  You have every right to be who you want to be, and be your own kind of beautiful.  Don’t compare yourself to other people, but don’t settle and feel insecure if you aren’t happy either, because you’ve got this!!  Do what is necessary and own the shit out of it, be confident and your BEAUTY will shine through.

I do just want to remind you before I say goodbye, there is always good and bad in your life – nothing is ever perfect and it never will be, you have been dealt your cards and you have to do the best you can with the hand you have been given.  If you ever feel like things are getting on top of you or you are not happy even if its for a split second, take a look at all the positive things in your life, your kids, your hubby, the roof over your head and soak it all in.  Life is always going to have negatives and they can wait a while.  Keep smiling and holding your head high, some days you might not feel like it but if you ever need a pick me up, you know where I am.

Much love..

Jodie xxxx

The Reason Why.

Ever since I can remember I have always loved to express myself through writing. I used to watch people on the t.v who were talented, who could sing, or dance and once asked at what point their love for the art they specialized in started, they always said an age that I was so far past. It made me feel like it was too late for me to create anything to do with my passion of writing or literature but my mum always told me I could do anything I put my mind to so this is me giving it a crack after many conversations with myself about how I could never make it work, or how I was never good enough. I can't really say myself that I am ‘talented’ at writing, but I am passionate about it and love how words can demonstrate your feelings or help you to vent your emotions or frustrations. Even if it is purely for your eyes only, it is soothing for the soul and is a way to reflect on your journey and growth, no matter what you intended that to be. I feel now is my time and believe you are never too old to start doing something you love.

Not long ago I found an autobiography that I had written at 11 years old. Not only did it explain in depth how I viewed the world at that age, it also portrayed what I hoped and dreamed of for my future years. Reading it now at 26 I can honestly say I am the furthest away from anywhere I thought I would or even could be. But here is where is gets interesting. Although being an adult is seriously overrated at times, I wouldn’t change my journey thus far.

I am at a point in my life where I have two kids; a heap of bills that sometimes we can't afford and a partner that works away and I feel I need some sort of outlet hence this blog. I hope most of you can relate to it – whether or not it be because you have kids, or because you feel down in yourself and need a pick me up, or because you need something that makes you think ‘I am not alone in how I am feeling’ or ‘wow this is normal.’ Recently I posted on social media a brief explanation of how I was feeling at that particular moment in time, not only as a mother, but also in myself. I think at times we all feel like shit. We all feel like we are failing or life isn’t moving in the way we would like or have hoped.  But you know what, we have got to roll with it. Whatever twists or turns it makes that’s the path we have to take, and we aren’t alone. So many people are going through the same issue. The amount of love and responses I got from women and men alike were enough to make me stop in my tracks for a second and think ‘holy shit’ my faith in humanity has been restored because there are some genuinely kind people out there who care about you, whether you haven’t spoken to the before or not. This was my little push into starting this blog as before now the self-doubt and the ‘I can't’ in me took over and that little voice in my head kept telling me I was never going write anything worth reading.

This blog is something that I want to be open, and relatable. I don’t want it to surround one particular topic. We deal with so many things in life and some of us can cope with them better than others, but most of us are just good at hiding how we feel. I am not good at managing my feelings, I am an over thinker, I have anxiety and I am my own worst enemy. But I am also passionate, loving and I am caring. I am far from perfect but hope to help people see the best in themselves with my words because no matter what we are all in this together and we are all walking this uneven, rocky but beautiful path we call life together. So prepare yourself for a mixture of posts and emotions. Depending on my mood or what I feel is important at the time. Some might be soppy as shit and some might make you laugh and think ‘I have been there’ and some might be completely random.

I am just a normal, everyday woman, and this is ME sharing parts of my life, and outlook on things with YOU, and what I feel as a whole is important to US.

Much love..

Jodie x