I hope one day when you are old enough to understand, you know I did my best.
In all aspects of your life I try to be the best Mum that I can be.
Sometimes it has been hard to find the time between you, your dad, and housework, cooking dinners, seeing friends and just trying to be me.
I know that there is no me without you. There is no home, no love, no life. You make all these things come together and I will thank God each day that I wake for the joy that you have bought into my life.
You were fated for me. You made me a mother.
You created a love within me that I never knew existed. The power of this love I will never be able to explain, until the day you experience it for yourself. It is a mesmerising whirlwind of emotion, of worry, confusion and frustration.
I just want you to remember that I always tried my best.
Like an onion has layers, I feel that there is only so much one person can take. Each layer is another thing on my shoulders and some days I am too tired to carry the load. But I want you to know I always tried.
I am sorry that somedays I don't play with you, read you stories or take you into the garden because I am too busy cleaning or cooking or I am too exhausted to be that 'Mum' figure that we all strive to be. The one that cooks you healthy dinners that you actually eat, that doesn't have last nights dishes in the sink and a made bed with ten precisely placed pillows. I am sorry I can't always afford the best brand of clothes for you to wear, and I am sorry I can't always buy you the things you want when we are out.
But I will tell you one thing that I always want you to remember. After all is said and done and night time has come. After I have battled endlessly with you about going to sleep and have taken you back to your room a hundred times.
Every night before I go to sleep I think of you. I think of everything I have done and what I have given you. A home, a warm bed, clothes on your back and food in your tummy, regardless whether it is fish fingers or Weetbix because I know you hate vegetables.
Every night I watch you as you sleep. I stroke the outline of your face as that is all that I can see from the moonlight that creeps in through the crack in your blinds. I hold your hand and wrap my fingers around yours. I place my hand on your chest just to feel it rise and fall with each breath. I breathe your scent deep into my lungs and make a silent vow never to let any harm come to you.
I would die before that.
I kiss your head before I leave and think to myself, if I never accomplish anything more in life than this then I have already fulfilled my destiny.
If I am nothing to anyone else I am the world to you. I pray that my dreams live on in you and you become everything in this world that you hope to be. I am so incredibly lucky to be your Mum and I know you forgive me for the days when I am only a mediocre one.
I love you. I will love you until my last breath in this world, and I will continue to love you far into the next.
Your Mummy xx