This weekend I am going clubbing.
The last time I went clubbing was for a friend's Hen's night before I was pregnant with my now 5-month-old daughter. Even before that I can't really remember going out much. Being a Mum and all I basically live in my pyjamas. That's a lie. I do live in my pyjamas.
I am one of those people who legitimately only puts normal clothes on if I have to leave the car. That's right! I wear my PJ's every single time I pick Damien up from the airport. I used to set my alarm and wake up early, put make-up on and do my hair so I looked all fresh as fuck waiting in arrivals. But the truth is now he is lucky if I pick him up and I have brushed my teeth. This is just something that he has to live with now that he has seen me push a child out of my vagina.
So anyways, back to this weekend. Is clubbing even a thing anymore? I don't know how old the limit is because I am pretty sure its all bump 'n' grind when you are 18 and then you get to 24+ and you just want the kebab at the end of the night. Everyone is an arrogant asshole and most girls have their vulvas hanging out. I know this because I used to be one of them.
To top it off there is always that person walking around with a camera and they either don't want to take your picture because they think you are old as fuck or they unwillingly take it and you end up on the internet looking like Shrek. This always happens to me. My big boobs and the fact that the shape of my body is similar to that of a baby seal don't make for flattering pictures.
It will be my first night leaving baby Lilah who picks and chooses whether to take the bottle because she loves boobies. I am nervous because I have never left her for more than a few hours and what if she cries for me? I feel as though this is something I need to do, for my own sanity. When you are a full time mother these are the things we find an escape in, because I honestly don't think we can completely divulge in the freedom if our kids are in the same vicinity. I haven't even pee'd alone in 3 years, so even that boundary is pushed when you are a Mama. But the same goes for men. They do need their own time too. To unwind and de stress or whatever they do. Who knows? Regardless whether you have children or not, time to yourself or with friends is a must. It is important in a relationship, just as much as making time for you partner.
I am looking in my wardrobe for something to wear and thinking that this is a disaster. i don't even know if what I own is even in fashion anymore. Sometimes I see some of the outfits on Instagram and think what the fuck is that? Or most of it you have to be a supermodel to pull off or go braless and I can't be dealing with the anxiety of the girls falling out or walking around with milk patches.
I think that I am going to have to go for the classic all black outfit and most likely trousers to cover up the fact that I only shave my legs in summer. Oh and something to cover my maternity bra. I will slap on some tan and throw back a few wines for some dutch courage and I should be ok right? If I am not home before midnight it means success, which lets face it might not be a possibility as I am yawning now and it's 8pm. But then again I am pretty keen for that kebab so who knows the extremes I will go too.
i honestly don't know how I used to do it back in the day; girls are so intimidating these days. You can instantly be made to feel like shit from just glancing over at one person whom you think is more attractive than you. 'And none for Gretchen Weiners'
Once I was in a club and my face literally got used as a handrail for a tall, pretty girl who tripped down a step and used my fucking face to get her balance. It's okay love don't mind me or my now half ripped of eyelashes i ain't got glue for. I can imagine my friends that were there with me reading this and losing it because we always laugh about it.
Most of us probably don't go out to meet someone, but you do want to go out and feel attractive not like a tub of lard, and it is so competitive these days to be noticed by another human being if your boobs aren't hanging out.
I never really used to care when I was younger, I would be flamboyant and have so much fun without having to think of anyone else. Partly because I was thinner and didn't have a receding hairline but hey. I will give it a crack and try to hide the social anxiety that creeps in when stepping out of my comfort zone.
I will let you know what the night brings, if I vomit, and also if I survive the hangover because I am severely out of practice.
My life has changed so much since becoming a mother, it isn't all that glamourous but always so much fun. I love it immensely but a night off here and there is allowed and I am not going to feel guilty about that.
Wish me luck.
Oh How Things Have Changed!